Kumo Desu ga, Nani ka? - Volume 9 : 3 ARRIVAL OF THE HOOLIGAN

We’ve been living in the duke’s mansion for a few days now.

How is it so far? Freakin’ awesome!

I mean, I guess that’s no surprise. I’ve been living on the road for an eternity, only staying in camps or inns for a day or two at a time.

Obviously that’s not gonna compare to living in a fancy mansion.

So allow me to describe my elegant lifestyle in the duke’s mansion.

First, I wake up.

When? Well, that varies.

I can sleep in a comfy bed for as long as I want, and I can also stay up all night if I feel like it, so obviously my sleep schedule is all over the place.

You can’t blame me for that!

Next, once I wake up, Riel and Fiel play dress up with me for a while.

Kind of ironic that a couple of dolls are using me as their plaything, isn’t it?

Not that I mind.

Once they mess around with my clothes and hair and even put makeup on me and all that junk, it’s time for breakfast.

The staff makes breakfast for me while Riel and Fiel have their fun with my look for the day.

My wake-up time is pretty random, so of course they have to remake breakfast for me most days.

Sure, it’s probably inconvenient to the cooks, but just consider it a necessary sacrifice for the luxurious lifestyle I so deserve.

I eat breakfast in my room with Riel and Fiel.

Being the mansion of a duke and all, the food is of course delicious. A little bit mass-produced-ish, maybe, but that’s all right.

You can’t expect the chefs to make their absolute finest dishes every day around the clock, right?

Let’s just go with that.

I’m sure it’s not that the chefs resent me or anything of the sort.

After breakfast, it’s time for work. By which I just mean producing thread.

This is the one thing I actually take seriously.

To be honest, producing thread is easy in itself. It comes so naturally that I kinda have to wonder why I wasn’t able to do it before that incident in the Mystic Mountains at this point.

On top of that, it doesn’t take a lot of effort. I don’t get tired no matter how much I produce, and it doesn’t feel like the energy inside me has decreased.

So just producing thread on its own is easy, and I can make as much of it as I need.

But if I just sit around randomly making thread, I’m not gonna get anywhere.

My goal is to regain at least as much strength as I used to have, maybe even more.

When I had skills, just using them frequently would make my skill level go up, but it doesn’t work like that anymore.

Practice makes perfect, so there’s certainly no harm in doing just that, but if I want to master the use of my power, simply producing thread isn’t enough.

The hope is that I might be able to use that sensation as a starting point for figuring out how to use my other powers, so I try to concentrate on that while I work.

…But so far, that hasn’t produced any results.

The fact that I can produce thread so naturally actually makes it harder to pinpoint the feeling. Since I can produce it whenever I want, it means I can actually do it without thinking.

It’s hard to be aware of what it feels like to not be aware of doing something, y’know?

Maybe it’s like when a natural genius is trying to tutor someone else and can’t understand why their pupil doesn’t understand something.

So I’m trying different things while I produce thread, but the only result is…more thread.

Looks like it might be a while before I can reproduce any of my other skills.

But anyway, Riel and Fiel gather up the thread I make and turn it into clothes, make balls of yarn, send everything to the Demon Lord, and so on, so at least it’s not a total waste of time.

Once I get hungry, I stop work for a bit and have some lunch.

Still seems kinda mass-produced, but yeah, that’s no big deal!

On the rare occasion that I actually manage to eat lunch at the proper time, the difference in extravagance is obvious.

They’re not cutting corners!

It’s just that I’m a little too careless with my schedule, that’s all!

The chefs are doing me a kindness by feeding me anyway!

Yeah, let’s go with that.

Once I’m done eating lunch, I have free time, which I spend differently depending on the day.

In other words, I just do whatever I feel like.

Like reading books in the mansion library, or knitting with the thread I made that morning, or striking cool poses while trying to practice magic.

Hmm? What was that last one?

Beats me. Don’t even worry about it.

I definitely don’t remember Riel and Fiel staring at me like they’d just witnessed something truly pathetic.

Okay? Okay.

Anyway, the rest of the day is free time until dinner.

The one thing I have to be careful about is that if I request dinner at weird times, like in the middle of the night, the quality of the food takes a huge dip.

Makes sense. Even the chefs at a duke’s mansion probably check out for the day once they’ve made dinner at the regular time.

If you ask for food after that, it makes sense that you’d just have to help yourself.

Well, we’re not actually allowed in the kitchen, so a maid has to do it instead, but the maid can’t cook, either, so it’s always just bread or jerky or whatever.

In other words, food that doesn’t take any actual prep.

I mean, it is tasty, y’know?

It’s a duke’s mansion, so everything they’ve got is the good stuff.

But if you just throw that on a plate and call it a day… Know what I mean?

Unreal.

Which is why I always try to eat dinner around the normal time.

In a way, that’s an even more important mission than producing thread.

Anyway, after dinner, I relax for a while and then sleep.

That’s how most of my days go.

Hmm? All I do is laze around, eat, and sleep, you say?

Well, I suppose you could put it that way.

My only real duty is to make thread like the Demon Lord asked, and that isn’t even difficult.

I get to live a lazy life every single day.

Is this place heaven or what?!

“What the hell?!”

Just like that, my blissfully lazy lifestyle is rudely interrupted by a loud yell.

Riel and Fiel, who are playing hot potato with balls of thread or something, immediately assume combat stances.

I can’t see the source of the voice I heard.

Probably because the door to my room is blocked by a wall of thread.

Yeaaah, I kinda covered the entire room they gave me in thread.

Look, I just wouldn’t feel comfortable otherwise! It’s, like, my spider instincts! And I have to block the sun from coming in through the window ’cause it’s bad for my skin!

So you can understand why I had to make my room into a mess of spiderwebs.

That also means that no one can come into my room except Riel and Fiel. They can easily move the thread aside and enter, probably ’cause they’re spiders like me. By that logic, I’m guessing Ael, Sael, and the Demon Lord could get inside, too.

But the maid obviously can’t, so I have her leave my food and stuff outside the door.

So anyway, my room is off-limits to any non-spider visitors, and some intruder’s trying to get in right now. A man, judging by the voice.

Why call him an intruder? Because he opened a maiden’s bedroom door without so much as a knock, so he obviously has no manners.

“Hey, you! What the hell is this stuff?”

“Erm, I believe it was put there by the guest currently using this room, sir. I’m afraid we don’t know the details, either.”

I can hear the intruder talking to what sounds like a maid as he tugs at the thread wall.

Judging by the maid’s polite tone, it sounds like this guy must be someone important.

I guess if he really was an intruder, he wouldn’t have gotten in past the mansion security. Someone must have let him in and probably even guided him here.

So maybe the Demon Lord sent him to fetch us or something?

“My dear boy, these rooms are currently occupied by the honored guests of your esteemed elder brother. Even as the younger brother of the master of the house, I am afraid you must not simply barge in on them without prior permission.”

Oh-ho? Sounds like Mr. Head Butler has arrived.

And from what I can hear, he’s telling off the intruder.

“Like I said before, stop calling me dear boy, dammit!”

“And as I believe I have stated, I shall be happy to stop just as soon as you have become an adult, my dear boy.”

“Ugh!”

Sounds like the intruder is no match for the head butler.

Also, it sounds like he must be the younger brother of Balto, the head of the house.

So if he’s connected to this place, the Demon Lord probably didn’t send him here. Actually, I guess I should have known that the Demon Lord wouldn’t entrust anything to someone so rough-and-tumble in the first place.

“Forget it! Just tell me what this stuff is, then!”

Oof. Sounds like the intruder realized the dear boy thing isn’t going to end anytime soon, so he’s going back to the original subject.

This is just a hunch, but I can kinda picture him pointing at the wall of thread from outside the room.

Y’know, for someone from a noble family like the duke’s, he sounds an awful lot like a hooligan trying his best to look tough.

Instead of “intruder,” let’s call him “hooligan” from here on out.

“It is a material provided by our esteemed guest, as I believe this good woman has just explained to you.”

“I got that part, dammit! I’m asking you why the hell you’re letting them do whatever they want with a room in our house!”

Ahhh. I guess I’m the reason Hooligan is so mad.

“And from what I hear, they’re just holing up in there doing some kinda fishy business! Why the hell would my brother let a buncha sketchy weirdos stay here?! Dammit!”

“I assure you, the master of the house has granted permission for all this. It is not for you to complain about, dear boy.”

“And I’m telling ya that ain’t a good enough reason!”

Maybe he and his brother don’t get along?

Based on what he just said, it sounds like the staff of the mansion doesn’t think super-highly of my activities, but what really seems to bother Hooligan here is that his brother has given us permission to do whatever we want.

“Listen up! This is my family’s mansion! You can’t just go around filling our rooms with whatever this crap is! Hey! You in there! I know you can hear me!”

“Please stop, my dear boy!”

“Shut up, old-timer!”

Pffft! Old-timer ! Hooligan just called the head butler old-timer !

It’s pretty hilarious to hear a phrase like that mixed in with all his cursing.

“Ke-ke-ke-ke-ke-ke!”

Suddenly, I hear a weird noise coming from beside me.

Turning to investigate, I see Riel’s shoulders shaking up and down as she emits the sound.

Um, what are you doing exactly?

Is that supposed to be laughter? What, did that hit your funny bone or something?

I gave the puppet spiders prototype voice mechanisms a while back, but since I never got to develop them past the testing stage, they can’t really talk very well. Usually they don’t bother trying.

So if Riel is going out of her way to produce some kind of laughter, she must’ve found something seriously funny. It’s kinda creepy, though, to be honest. Cut it out, will ya?

“What the hell are you laughing at?!”

See?! You made Hooligan even madder!

What’s up with this chaotic situation?

“Please stop this at once!”

“No one’s gonna make a fool outta me!”

The wall of thread shakes violently.

Hooligan must’ve flipped out and tried to punch it.

“What the hell?! I’m stuck?!”

Well, yeah. It’s spider thread.

If you touch it, obviously you’re gonna get stuck.

“Dammit!”

Cursing wildly, Hooligan moves on to his next course of action, which is……FIRE?!

The wall of thread’s on fire!

What kind of moron sets a fire in his own house?!

Even after my deification, my thread has retained the same basic properties.

In other words, it’s still weak to fire.

It can withstand a certain amount, but this dumbass hooligan must’ve really blown up big-time, because the flames are burning right through my thread’s resistance.

He probably used some kind of fire skill, but I guess the skill level was pretty high. Ha-ha-ha.

Wait, there’s nothing funny about this!

Quick! We have to put out this fire or I’m gonna be burned alive!

All four walls of the room are covered in thread, so if they all catch fire, I’ll have nowhere to run!

It’s only the area near the door that’s burning right now, but if I don’t act fast, it’s gonna spread to the rest of the room for sure.

While I’m panicking on the inside, three other figures make their move.

Two of them are Riel and Fiel, so I immediately grab them by the scruffs of their necks to stop them.

Don’t you dare!

I don’t know what you were planning on doing exactly, but knowing you two, I’m sure it was nothing good!

Riel looked like she was about to use some kind of magic, and Fiel seemed like she was going to try to physically ram her way through.

Not only would that not put out the fire, you’d probably destroy this whole damn mansion!

And even if not, I’m sure Hooligan, the head butler, and the maid standing nearby would all be killed by the shock waves.

I don’t really care about Hooligan, since this is his fault in the first place, but the other two would be innocent victims, so I’m gonna have to stop you right there.

Meanwhile, as I’m stopping these two idiots from destroying everything in sight, the head butler uses water magic to safely put out the fire.

Figures. That guy is one hell of a butler.

“My dear boy…”

But now, he’s glaring at Hooligan with a vein popping on his forehead.

How do I know that, you ask?

’Cause the wall of thread in front of the doorway burned away, so there’s nothing blocking my view anymore.

Hooligan, perhaps detecting that he’s gotten himself in over his head, looks away from the head butler’s glare…

…and meets my eyes.

“Huh?!”

Hooligan catches his breath and freezes.

Um, excuse me, do you mind? Shut-ins don’t like making direct eye contact, you know.

Also, my eyes are freakishly full of pupils right now, so I’d rather not have people see them.

Not because it’s embarrassing—it’s just more trouble than it’s worth.

I immediately shut my eyes and turn my face away.

Maybe that’s rude behavior toward the master of the house’s brother, but I’m pretty sure the guy who tried to bust into a maiden’s room and then set it on fire is in the wrong here.

Besides, I don’t really care if I offend someone who dredges up my traumatic memories of having my home burned to the ground!

Oh boy, just thinking about it pisses me off.

Could you please just leave me alone already?

With my grip still on their collars, Riel and Fiel both take a step forward, as if picking up on my emotions.

At the same time, their tiny bodies start producing a ridiculously powerful aura.

“…! Please, young master! I must insist that you withdraw before things get any more out of hand!”

The head butler hurriedly grasps Hooligan’s shoulder and drags him forcibly out of the room.

Should you really be doing that to a member of the family that employs you?

Then again, if he hadn’t done something, Riel and Fiel might have slashed that hooligan to ribbons, so that was probably the right call.

“Um…right.”

Hooligan nods dumbly, his violent energy drained away.

I can’t tell for sure, since my eyes are closed, but…is it just me, or is Hooligan totally glaring at me?

“Show the young master away, please.”

“O-of course. Right this way, please, Master Blow.”

At the head butler’s command, the maid leads Hooligan away.

Now I finally know Hooligan’s name.

Apparently, it’s Blow.

Not that I care. “Hooligan” is good enough for that jerk.

You’ll never catch me calling that guy by his real name; I can promise you that for sure.

“Please accept my deepest apologies in my master’s place for the young lord’s terrible rudeness.”

The head butler’s talking to me now.

Opening my eyes a crack, I see that he’s bowing deeply.

In his master’s place, huh? Do nobles really apologize that easily? Like, should you be throwing his name around like that?

Maybe Balto just trusts this butler that much, or maybe it’s the influence of the Demon Lord that’s making him apologize to me like this. Otherwise, the butler’s just doing this of his own accord.

If that’s the case, couldn’t that get him in trouble?

Hmm. Well, I guess that’s not for me to worry about.

It was obviously Hooligan’s fault.

“I have no doubt that the master of the house will wish to apologize to you personally quite soon. I shall do everything in my power to keep the young master from approaching you and yours. I beg you to spare us of your fury if at all possible.”

The head butler speaks quickly, his head still lowered.

I know he’s just covering for his employer, so I feel bad having him apologize so much.

Letting go of Riel and Fiel, I pat them gently on the shoulders.

Picking up on my meaning, they relax and stop radiating all that violent energy.

“Again, I deeply apologize for the intrusion. Please return to your relaxation at your leisure.”

With that, the butler carefully pulls the door shut.

Well, that was a disaster, but supposedly I’ll never have to see that hooligan’s ugly mug again, so whatever.

Or so I thought. But wouldn’t you know it, Hooligan keeps coming to see us again and again after that.

It may have crossed my mind that we should just kill him, but let’s keep that our little secret.